Recently I was reading an article called “ambitious women” by
and the following words have been bouncing around in my mind ever since:I’m beginning to think the ability to patiently configure your own path according to self-knowledge may be one of the most important human traits to nurture.
True confidence is believing in the validity of your own core desires, which also means identifying what you’re willing to sacrifice and bear for certain conditions to yield fruit. When there are competing needs, true prioritization reveals itself.
There’s something truly magical about being able to patiently configure one’s own path in life, but the self-knowledge required to enable this level of thinking is something that takes work to cultivate.
From self-knowledge, we can develop self-compassion. And it is through that compassion that we can begin configuring our own paths—to understanding and honoring our core desires, to conscientiously make sacrifices, rather than suppressing our desires or sacrificing them for no good reason other than to people-please or tick boxes.
There was a point in my life where almost everything I did was because I thought I should; the actions I took were based on presumed expectations from others about what I ought to be doing. So I would show up to events and partake in hobbies—feeling bereft and put-out half the time—because I felt that doing those things was expected. And to some extent, there were expectations… but perhaps not as much as I had assumed.
Buried somewhere deep in my psyche was the limiting belief that, “If I just do this, if I follow these rules or make these people happy… then at some point I’ll have more freedom to do the things that I desire.”
But then I’d find that in those moments when I had my freedom, that suddenly I would feel uneasy or unsure about what to do. Rather than spend time contemplating or confronting what my soul really needed or wanted, I’d just keep busy—leaning into the dopamine hits of ‘getting things done’ in order to feel good about myself.
In my last article, I talked a lot about change—about my mantra, “I’m a river, not a swamp.” Because I think that giving ourselves the grace to change and truly embody who we are at our core is one of the most important things we can do. And it will come with challenges. And it might upset some people in our lives. But, the path of developing self-knowledge inevitably leads to change—to growth and maturity—and further, to wisdom. And it’s that wisdom that enables you to take control of your life-path and develop true confidence.
“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” —Aristotle
Developing self-knowledge
The development of self-knowledge isn’t a one-off event—it’s something that happens over time by bringing conscious awareness to your experience regularly and repetitively. There’s no one therapist, meditation practice, psychedelic experience, or vipassana retreat that will get you there fast. It is a way of living consciously.
Self-knowledge helps you to break away from the influences of others—but it also shows you how impressionable you are. Humans are incredibly malleable—we create one another through influence. And it’s easy to see: we follow trends, we share thoughts, ideas and opinions that others parrot (and vice versa); we create conditions and expectations that encourage certain behaviours. It’s how culture comes about in the first place.
The benefit of self-knowledge is being able to see those things that programmed into you and to de-program the things that aren’t serving you any more. Things like a victim mindset, limiting beliefs, cultural norms and societal expectations—because no one, no thing can define you except for yourself.
So—how do you do it?
Self-knowledge comes through contemplation. Contemplation is simply time for deep reflection. It’s time you spend with just yourself, where you actively observe what’s going on in your mind, without giving your time and attention to anyone else.
Actively engaging in what’s going on in your mind is a practice that you’ll find in various traditions—from Buddhism to Christianity, to modern psychology. Contemplation practices are not about trying to control your mind, but rather about observing what’s coming up.
Below I’ll share a few methods of contemplation that have really helped me—things that you can weave into your daily life. Everyone’s journey is configurable, there’s no one way to do anything like this, all that matters is that you find something that works for you:
Mindfulness meditations are really helpful for the simple act of observing. A quick google will lead you to a guided meditation online, or you can use an app to help with this practice. The mindfulness meditation starts with a focus on the body, on the breath, to help you tune in to yourself. Then you start observing your thoughts. The practice typically invites you to count with your breath, and as soon as you start losing count that’s the point where your mind is wondering… so you take a sec to look at where your mind has wondered, and simply note it, label it, recognize it, and then get back to counting. Inevitably, you’ll lose count once more as another thought intrudes your practice—so again, you notice it, label it, give it a little recognition and then imagine that thought floating away so you can get back to the practice.
The practice of meditation isn’t a competition to get a clear head, it’s a practice that enables you to catch your thoughts. The practice of counting, of bringing awareness to your breath, is like the net; and when you start losing the practice—when you’ve lost count or realize you’ve tuned out of following your breath—that’s when you’ve caught a thought. It could be a single thing you’re thinking about, or you might find it’s an entire chain of thoughts—but the practice enables you to catch the things that your mind is coughing up.
Journalling can take many forms, but my favorite is an active practice of dialog, known as Socratic dialog. To perform a Socratic dialog, simply have a conversation with yourself in your private journal. If it makes it easier, you can write it as if it were a dialog between you and a role model, or God, or Buddha, or your late grandmother—it doesn’t matter. Start with “How are you today?” and then answer. Then respond to your answer as if you were the other—like a therapist or a friend. This method will help you to flesh out the details and uncover the contexts of your thinking.
Another journalling I use sometimes is “forecasting” — when I think of things I want to achieve, I write something like a press release or a personal note as if the thing I want to achieve has already happened. This is one you’ll hear about with “law of attraction” types— but it’s a simple practice, even one used in business (see Amazon’s press release practice). It’s always a good thing to visualize the future you want, and writing is a useful tool for this.
Going for a nature walk, alone, without your headphones to distract you, gives you the space to let you mind unwind and you can be inquisitive about your thoughts in the process. Even if you don’t have a beautiful landscape near you to go and explore, just going for a walk without distraction does wonders. As thoughts and feelings arise, bring some curiosity to them. If difficult emotions arise, give yourself some compassion—think about to Socratic method, how would a friend speak to you if you were facing difficult emotions. Bring that compassion to yourself.
If I’m feeling particularly crappy, I’ll carry a journal with me on my walk so that at some point on the way I can stop and jot some things down. A long walk always helps me to untangle things, but sometimes in the process of untangling I’ll hit a knot, so pausing to write some things down is my way of picking through the knot.
On being alone
I know some people struggle spending time alone. It can be hard to pause and just be with yourself without distraction, or without finding something to do. But I would encourage you to challenge yourself to face the quiet space—whether it’s sitting with a candle in a room by yourself to meditate or going out for a walk by yourself—because as soon as someone else enters into your space, the dynamic changes. When you are with someone, the relationship dynamic is at play and that absolutely influences you. To know yourself, you need to be in a space where you have no other option than to be 100% you.
I’d love to know how do you like to contemplate? Feel free to share in the comments section ❤️
If you read this far, thank you 🙏 I really appreciate you being here with me!
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