I can recall at least a few conversations in my life where the words “You’ve changed,” have been hurled at me as a damning accusation. When I was young and a bit more naive, I allowed the worlds to make me curl up a bit—to try and un-change any perceived change.
But as I’ve grown older, I’ve learned to nod and agree with those words—and certainly not feel guilty for how my changes might affect anyone else. The people who really matter in your life will adapt to your changes. And the ones who won’t have no power over you anyway. It’s on you to hold strong.
How many of you have experienced these same conversations? It’s an accusation that can feel so painful in the moment; and yet there’s truth in those words because change is inevitable. We grow, we evolve, we mature.
For the accusers, they may indicate that we’re not as fun as we used to be (we’ve grown, we’ve matured), or we’re not as affectionate as we once were (love fades, we move on)—they’ll indicate what parts they were most attached to.
Of course, I have and I’m sure many of you will have been on the flipside of this conversation too—to have been the one who was recoiling from the other person having changed so much that we could see their heart, mind and spirit had abandoned the scene before their body had followed.
I’ve certainly been on both sides of this—where I’ve been the one to have checked out before leaving a relationship, friendship or a job—and vice versa.
And it can hurt, yes.
But, I think of change like a river moving through a mountainous landscape, it can carve canyons out of ancient stone; but as majestic as the change appears from a distance, the carving may cause some pain.
On becoming a river
I’m grateful to have undergone some pretty dramatic changes in my life. As a child I was achingly shy, quiet, didn’t want to rock the boat or expose myself. I suffered crippling self-doubt for most of my young life and held myself in no esteem. “Self-esteem” was a nonsense term to me, even into my twenties. It was tough.
Yet now as a 30-something: I have confidence, I hold myself in a healthy esteem, I actually love myself… Every day, I witness the person I’ve become happily pursuing more because somewhere along the way I developed a belief that I deserve more. I do things now that a younger version of me would have prefixed the word “never,” or else simply wouldn’t have conceived of as a possibility.
I know many of you can relate to this, but know that no matter where you are on your journey, you can move mountains. And while changes might sometimes be painful, they’re worth it as long as you’re adhering to your higher calling—your truth.
“I am a river, not a swamp,” is a mantra that formed in my mind along my journey. I used to sit along a river bank to meditate, but not by closing my eyes—my meditation was observing the river, the flow, and really paying attention to the movement of the water. And I noticed that in some little areas along the river, the water stalled, it stopped moving and became stale, cloudy and covered in muck—like a swamp.
But the part of the river that represented power and beauty was the flowing, rushing, swirling, clear and bubbly waters rushing over stones and shaping the landscape as it moved through this valley. Over time I started identifying more and more with the moving water—not the stale, stalled, swampy waters that had been trapped on the edges.
“I am a river, not a swamp,” are words that remind and give me permission to change.
The ancient Greeks observed the reality of change and flux in nature and man too, in Heraclitus’s words:
“No man ever steps in the same river twice. For it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man.”
Change is truth
Change is the only constant in the universe, it’s true at every level of existence—from sub-atomic, to micro, to macro. And yet, so often, we wish it weren’t true… often when our egos are getting fed, we feel good, or comfortable, we attach to that feeling and want, desperately, for it to last forever.
And yet, in teaching us how to gain inner peace, the Buddha speaks of non-attachment—of not attaching to material things, relationships, thoughts, emotions and desires.
Buddha and Heraclitus were onto something.
However, while change is certainly a universal truth, it doesn’t mean that we can’t, or shouldn’t or won’t have periods where we slow down, rest, reset and yes—maybe even indulge in a little attachment (Hello Netflix binges and comfort food!). There’s no sense in judging these moments harshly. Nature itself ebbs and flows. In the winter, growth slows down, animals hibernate, things might look a bit more ‘swamp-y’ than ‘river-y’—it’s natural. We can’t be in constant motion—we need to slow down sometimes.
Cycles
The Buddha spoke of cycles of birth, death and re-birth. The funny thing is that a lot of people like to think of this in macro terms—they think he’s speaking only of life and eventual death of a person, and then assume he’s talking about re-incarnation. But really, I think his teachings are most useful in application at a micro scale—every day we have a chance to be re-born. Every day, we have a chance to let some part of us die—to let go, to detach.
Letting some part of us die isn’t a bad thing, it might mean giving up a bad habit, ending a toxic relationship, decluttering your home—simply doing away with those things that are no longer serving your higher good.
Those micro-deaths will nourish the parts of you that need to grow.
You can see how organic that is… isn’t it true that the decaying matter of old plants on a forest floor are essential for the overall growth and health of a forest and its ecosystem? Musrooms and insects thrive on dead wood; dead and decaying matter release nutrients that then nourish and help all the living matter to grow stronger, healthier.
So it goes with us. By allowing ourselves to detach from those things which no longer serve us, we nourish the roots of those parts of us that are ready to grow.
So here I’ve spoken about rivers, swamps and forests—maybe I should have another mantra that’s something like “I am a forest, not a farm!” 😂 But, you get the picture. Life is dynamic, always in flux, ever changing, at every level.
I hope this article helps you to see your power, your ability to carve mountains. And next time you’re feeling stuck or held back, I hope you’ll give yourself the grace to detach, to move on, to grow, to change—and to not feel sorry or guilty! Because we’ve all got only one life to live, and every moment counts.
Thank you for reading—I really appreciate you being here with me!
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Excellent read, Courtney! I'm learned to embrace how I've changed over the past 6 decades. You write about it so beautifully :)
The older I get the more I realize and embrace that change is inevitable. Good Sunday read!